6.13 One Long Sentence

I’m really beginning to hate Sundays, Sundays have started to be my lonely days, days where I wake up and have trouble getting out of bed, eventually I finally get up and make egg tacos with two lonely leftover taco shells, believing this was a good idea, excited that the lack of meat for the tacos made me be creative and substitute eggs for the meat, but on second thought, when actually eating the tacos, all I could think about was how pathetic this breakfast was, how utterly boring and uninteresting - much like myself - so instead of cleaning my house, doing laundry and getting some other work done like I was supposed to do, I instead go back to bed, but before closing my eyes I flip through the three dating sites I’m currently on to go over my choices, so many choices but nothing that reeks of a connection, a genuine connection, someone that might enjoy the extra breakfast taco I had leftover, someone that might entice me to get out of bed, who understands why I’ve gone back to bed, someone who might not be able to get out of bed herself and I would have to entice her, maybe someone to stay in bed with, to just lay there together, forgetting it’s Sunday, erasing Sunday together, and I’m thinking how I can construct this idea of not getting out of bed on my online dating profile but realize that this is not appealing, realize that not many things about me are not that appealing, or at least not right now, or so I’ve come to believe on Sundays, which I hate and are my lonely days, days like this one where I finally get up out of bed, I get out of bed with a groan, which seems to be happening more and more, when I get up out of a chair I make a noise, when I lean down to tie my shoes a strange and thinly audible noise, these groans started last year and I’m still in my thirties, I wonder if these groans and noises are to let people know I’m still here, or perhaps it’s for me to let myself know that I’m still here, so I let out a groan because when I sit up on the edge of my bed my back hurts, which is another thing that started happening, just pains in places where there were no pains before, pains that go away as the sun gets higher in the sky, but pains nonetheless, so I head downstairs and check my computer and the three dating sites, behaviour that some might deem obsessive, and soon I’m on the phone talking with a friend, the same thing happens that happened last Sunday, the lonely tone of these hateful Sundays creep up, I have nothing to say on the phone because I hadn’t talked to anyone all day, it’s amazing how quickly you can forget how to talk with people, how to forget to just ask them how they are doing, but my friend doesn’t notice because they do most of the talking, I merely throw in a “Yeah” or “Really” or “Wow” and we get off the phone and I feel guilty about this call because I wanted to say more, so much more, but I say none of it, and I’ve gotten none of the things I wanted to do done, but it’s time to make food again and I dip into my single man fridge and a thought pops into my head - Hamburger Helper - and if you can believe it, this is what motivates me to get moving and go to the grocery store, to buy a package of ground beef and cook that shit up to a dark brown colour and stir in the content of the flavour packet, which is really just salt, a ton of salt, but it comforts me, reminds me when I was younger and felt like Hamburger Helper was cooking, and this works as it feels like I did something today instead of just staying in bed, I move on to cleaning my house and my house gets cleaned, and as I’m scrubbing the floors and dusting and putting the laundry in the machine, my mind floats off and I feel lonely again because I wonder who I’m cleaning for, I must be cleaning for me, yes, it’s for me because I like a clean house, but my mind keeps floating and I wonder what it would be like to clean for someone else, or even to clean with someone else and I’m crouched in the shower, I’m scrubbing the tub and for some reason I remember taking showers with my ex-girlfriend and it was nice to take a shower with someone and it’s at this moment when I decide to turn the shower on with my clothes on and all and I just sit there for a bit in the tub with the shower on and after a while I think to myself, “Man, I’m really beginning to hate Sundays.”